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Cancer! A big word that loomed over me for many
months. It first came in the form of an elevated white blood cell count, which can be an indication of disease in the
body. Disease was another big word that
attached itself to my fit, vegetarian, never had a major disease self. The lack of ease had unveiled itself, crept
out from the inner closet I tried to stuff it in and became a part of me that I
could no longer ignore. I had my blood
tested every month and was eventually sent to an oncologist. While the doctors were unable to identify the
cause of my strange blood cell count, I knew in my heart why I lacked
ease.
The ease one feels when they are authentically themselves,
the ease that comes when we peel away the mask, shed the armor and become our
most vulnerable, flawed, and beautiful selves was a state of being that I could
not step into. I did not feel worthy
unless I was doing something for someone or achieving something valuable. I possessed the classic "hero"
persona that Dr. Robert J. Ackerman wrote about in his book Let Go and Grow.
As an adult child of an alcoholic, I continued to hold on to
that hero role throughout my marriage.
If only I could do more for my husband's career and for my children's
growth and development, I would be free.
But my lack of ease literally caused my body to begin to shut down. The
cancer closed in when I was diagnosed with a lump in my left breast. A biopsy was ordered. When the female oncologist, a woman I could
see myself befriending in a different setting, sat me down 24 hours before I
was to have the procedure, I knew I had to make a change. I decided to end a marriage that was filled
with hurt and pain, and quell the urge to "do" and just "be."
I believe that quietly made decision saved my life. The lump was benign.
What I now know is that sitting on my meditation pillow is
even more valuable than running 10 miles a day and eating a clean diet. Sitting quietly on that tattered pillow gives
me something I lacked my entire adult life, the freedom to live with ease.
Learn more about Dr. Robert J. Ackerman
Learn more about Dr. Robert J. Ackerman
I had to respond! I sat for my first ever meditation once when I was at Vermont College as a grad asst., feeling very stressed and anxious. I'd had no instruction, but simply looked out the window at the winter town. I felt much, much calmer after that five minutes. A few years later in response to major stress at home, (learning to meditate seemed a better option than committing homicide) I found a teacher and now have a serious practice. --There's a great Sangha in Philly, Springboard, and I'm learning, practicing, growing in that lovely community. It's helped in so many ways, I can't begin to enumerate! --With writing, too. So wonderful to hear of your own discoveries and growth toward health and simplicity. Many hugs!
ReplyDeleteHelen,
ReplyDeletePlease do tell more about your practice in the Philly Shanga. Please consider writing more for us. Peace & Love to you!