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"What we
focus on expands." ~ Unknown
A client, let's call
her Amy, told me she wanted to be free of her ex-husband. "He controls my life
and tortures our children," she said. "I want to be free of him!" she exclaimed. Amy's pain and frustration were palpable. I
asked her what she wanted for herself. Her answer: "I don't know."
When I pressed a bit, she told me she wanted to own a business and that her 9
to 5 existence was something she loathed. While Amy's concerns about her
ex-husband were not unfounded, she had become an expert on focusing like a
well-targeted laser on his actions and behaviors. She could recall in detail
dozens of conversations she had with him and even conversations her ex-husband had with
their children. She had an opinion about all of his relationships and
actions even when they did not concern her. On the other hand, Amy gave little
thought to her personal desires. Her fuzzy notion of owning a business
reflected the time and energy she gave that aspect of her being.
When I asked Amy how she was able
to divorce a man who "controlled" her, she said, "I wanted out
so badly, I didn't care anymore. I was determined to leave." I suggested
that her focus became her reality. Instead of focusing on how bad her marriage was
she focused on leaving. After a couple of months of working together, Amy
admitted that it was easier to keep her focus on her husband's behavior rather
than face her real fear―failing. The comfort and ease of the
dance that she engaged in with her ex-husband held a lesser threat than failing
for Amy. She was well acquainted with placing her fate in the hands of others.
When she was a girl, Amy told me her mother, although well-intentioned, led her
to believe she was helpless, ugly, and should be grateful to find a man to care
for her. Amy held those words in her heart her entire adult life until she
decided to put her focus elsewhere―on herself.
The True Law of
Attraction
Once Amy put her
focus on her dreams and her gifts, they became sharper. A plan was erected,
executed, and now she is a proud and successful business owner. Regarding
her adult children, Amy discovered they were quite capable of taking care of
themselves. When she stepped out of her role as micro-manager of their lives
her children stepped into their own ability to create a workable relationship
with their father. The myth of The Law of Attraction is that if we focus on what we
don't want it will go away. The contrary is true. When we focus on what we
don't want we get more of it. As energy beings, we attract and align where our
energy is centered and that becomes the reality we experience. Amy's former
reality was being imprisoned by her husband. Her thoughts led to actions that
put her exactly in the nucleus of her focus. Amy told me recently that she sees
her ex-husband in a new light. She is now grateful that he had a stable job
that provided the alimony she needed to get her business going.
The
"R" Word
A life without taking personal responsibility is a life unexamined. Taking our emotional pulse and really seeing ourselves can be hard. It is so much easier to fall into the familiar folds of blame. Amy admittedly spent too much
time focusing on her ex-husband's "wrong" behavior and puffing
herself up by imagining she was standing on the moral high ground by being
"right," which was a poor substitute for what she really wanted―to
believe she was beautiful and capable of taking care of herself. Taking
responsibility is empowering. It empowers us to love ourselves
no matter what we were told by well-intentioned parents, teachers, partners, or
co-workers. Taking responsibility for
growing ourselves up instead waiting for that parent, spouse, or boss to
apologize gives us back our power instead. Waiting for the one who hurt us to make things better keeps us helpless by handing over our self worth to another. It even strips us of compassion by determining that the parent,
spouse, or boss had the capability to be anything other than the focus of their
own lives. If we can compassionately hold love for those who have hurt us by
accepting who they truly are rather than whom we think they should be then we
are truly free. But a deeper freedom is found when we hold that same love for
ourselves by taking responsibility, learning, and growing.
