Finding Myself Through Love

Mosaic Path

We’re all just walking each other home. ~Ram Dass

We cannot be anything less than the divine source from which we came, and that source is pure, unabashed love. When we separate from that boundless energy of love, we begin to feel the discord of that separation. It may manifest in different ways in our life such as illness, lack, depression, substance abuse, etc., but it all steams from one thing—separation from Source. For me it manifested in unhealthy relationships with men that simply mirrored my lack of self-love.
I can tell you exactly when I stopped loving myself. I was seven years old. I witnessed my father brutally beating my mother. In the dark, still hours between midnight and dawn, I heard my mother’s screams. In a desperate attempt to save herself, she broke free from my father and ran into my bedroom.

“Call the police, Stephanie.” She cried, before my father snatched her off her feet and carried her into another room.

Then I heard slaps and punches and ugly, profane words delivered by a man who was so far from the Daddy I knew, so far from the love of the Source from which he came that the alcohol inside of him ruled his actions. I could not call the police. I was paralyzed by a fear so devastating that I lost control of my bodily functions and wet my pajama pants.

I blamed myself from that day on for not saving my mother. I found ways to punish myself by attracting other broken souls to mirror my pain in the form of unhealthy relationships that mimicked the relationship between my mother and father.

Healing begins with loving the self and banishing blame and shame
The first act of healing began when I stopped blaming myself and acknowledged that “shame” and “blame” were simply false constructs of my own making that kept me from embracing the love within me. I often tell my clients to consider reframing “right” and “wrong” to “broken” and “whole.” Our wholeness is our connection to Source, and that connection is established through loving the self. Loving who we are and shaming, blaming cannot co-exist. When I began to frame my experiences in this new way, I was able to forgive my father and all that I designated as negative experiences in my life. I understood the purpose of those lesson and the way those experiences brought me back to love. Love is our divine home.

Learning to love my inner child
A deeper healing took place when I began to love the little girl inside of me who was so afraid and so ashamed. In visualization exercises that I now use with my clients, the lost sense of love that my seven-year-old self experienced could be restored.

Loving the self brings us in alignment with our true purpose and in harmony with others
When I began to love myself, I opened to my gifts and my divine purpose. All that is powerful comes to us when love is the guiding force in our lives. We can’t help but have peaceful relationships when we acknowledge the humanity and love within others. They will either match our love or move away from us.

With each trial we are simply falling forward toward the divine within us. My childhood experiences and my experiences with men were all shards of light that created a mosaic life path to walk me home.