Have you ever stood
in the blinding light of self-righteousness?
Perhaps your Republican neighbor is the devil, your boss Hitler, and
your cheating spouse the dirt beneath your feet. I certainly have had those
feelings. When I marched as a teen to end apartheid in front Shell gas
stations, there was no telling me that the Shell Company's decision not
to divest from troubled South Africa at the height of the abolish apartheid movement was nothing more than unadulterated greed. When I found out that an
ex-partner had been having affairs, he was lower than low and deserved to be
punished. What I failed to see was how my stanch positions caused me to suffer
and stifled a beautiful opportunity to grow.
When we fail to see
ourselves in the other, we suffer. If we refuse to see the humanity in another,
even our enemy, we fail to have compassion for ourselves. Nelson Mandela said
that "Our human compassion binds us the one to the other―not in pity or
patronizingly, but as human beings who have learnt how to turn our common
suffering into hope for the future." When we insist on being right, there
is no space to move forward. If one is cloaking the fullness of another in any
way, they are cloaking the fullness in themselves as well.
Yesterday I had the
pleasure, while volunteering at a polling station to help a dear friend running
for a state office, of seeing two people on opposite sides of the political
divide come together and have a colorful, thoughtful, and informative
conversation. They listened. They
considered. They acknowledged fully the
humanity of the other and found, on several occasions, not only common ground,
but a shift in their position.
What are we denying
when we eliminate the possibility of being wrong? The need to be right is like wearing
an emotional suit of amour. Strong emotions often awaken old wounds that need
healing. When I experienced a partner who had sex outside of our relationship,
it brought back the abandoned little girl who missed her father. My failed
adult relationship was really a gift that offered awareness and an invitation
to heal that long-standing wound. My strong advocacy for others as a teen gave
rise to my often ignored need to advocate for myself. We call forth
relationships to mirror what requires healing within. Our obdurate positions
are often a cry from within to attend to our unfinished emotional business.
When we fail to examine our actions, we deny the gifts they bestow.
Responsibility
without judging the self is the key. When we insist on being right, we take no responsibility
for our personal history and how we may have formed our thought patterns. We
turn a deaf ear to the other we hold as "wrong," and cut off and
strangle the most fundamental parts of our being―love and compassion. We often
do this because we judge our actions. By rendering them "right" or
"wrong," we find it too painful to visit the "wrong" parts
within us, which are merely our wounded parts. Healing can be as simple as
choosing to move, as Nelson Mandela said, toward "hope for the
future." By opening our hearts to our wounds, we embrace the
opportunity to grow, expand, and recognize our humanity and the humanity of
others.
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