The Power of Open Heart Living

Nash featured lying down at center

The quite space that is created when I meditate is an awakening and an opening to lovely, subtle gifts.  My morning practice begins before the sun rises.  I find my way in the dark to my pillow, clear my mind with cleansing breaths, and silently repeat whatever mantra is in my spirit on that day.  When I open my eyes everything is brighter.  That awakening has created a space for my 11 year old son, Nash, and I to share sunset walks, walks I wish I had shared with my older two children who are now in college.  I had not created that quiet space inside of me when they were younger and sometimes feel a bit of sadness for that loss.   But for Nash and me, those walks have become a staple in our daily living.  Even when he is tired and questioning Mommy's silly practice as I coax him away from computer time, or Lego time, the miracle of the sun coloring the evening sky gold, purple and fuchsia lights us both up inside and we are better when we return.   

I always thought of that quiet space that has opened my heart as an unseen, private gift, but yesterday that gift was reflected back to me.  A surprise birthday party at New York City's Carmine's restaurant that my lovely daughter orchestrated with my best friend, Karen, was a million sunsets, and a million brilliant colors lighting up the evening sky.  In that moment, my two older children along with friends I love and cherish joined me and Nash on our sunset walk. 

Playing Big

Learn more about Marianne Williamson

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

― Marianne Williamson, Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles"

When the man of my dreams showed me another side of himself, I ignored it.  I had yet to marry.  We had been living together for several months when, to my surprise, the man who had been sensitive, attentive and generous was suddenly cold, unavailable, and even cruel with his words when I questioned him.  I chose to dismiss his behavior.  He doesn't mean it, I told myself.  He's just nervous about his future, I reasoned.  But his words were clear:

"I am going to be a great artist," he told me.  "You just have let me do my work because that is the most important thing to me.  Can you do that?" he asked.  Without hesitation, I said yes and fell into his embrace. 

We all choose our experiences.  Yes, while my marriage was often miserable, there was something in that experience that served me.  Experiences that we define as negative serve us in some way.  It served me to hide behind my ex husband's ambition because of my sense of unworthiness and fear. I now know that my marriage served as a protective cocoon while I worked on my fears from childhood.  That cocoon kept me playing it small in the role of helper, too afraid to embrace my light, my gifts and the beautiful song I had within me.
 

I found my larger self and broke through my fears on my meditation pillow.  Growth during meditation is spiritual but also can be a physical sensation.  I actually feel my body expanding during meditation.  That expanded feeling of self-love and self-acceptance dissolved my fears and helped me to step out of my small role and into my divine light.  That limitless, boundless sensation is inside of all of us for a reason.  It is the promise and the right of our God, Spirit, or however we define our divine selves.  To step up and play big in the world is not only our right, it is our duty.    

What gifts have you discovered in meditation?

Dying To Be Free

Cancer!  A  big word that loomed over me for many months.  It first came in the form of an elevated white blood cell count, which can be an indication of disease in the body.  Disease was another big word that attached itself to my fit, vegetarian, never had a major disease self.  The lack of ease had unveiled itself, crept out from the inner closet I tried to stuff it in and became a part of me that I could no longer ignore.  I had my blood tested every month and was eventually sent to an oncologist.  While the doctors were unable to identify the cause of my strange blood cell count, I knew in my heart why I lacked ease. 

The ease one feels when they are authentically themselves, the ease that comes when we peel away the mask, shed the armor and become our most vulnerable, flawed, and beautiful selves was a state of being that I could not step into.  I did not feel worthy unless I was doing something for someone or achieving something valuable.  I possessed the classic "hero" persona that Dr. Robert J. Ackerman wrote about in his book Let Go and Grow. 

As an adult child of an alcoholic, I continued to hold on to that hero role throughout my marriage.  If only I could do more for my husband's career and for my children's growth and development, I would be free.  But my lack of ease literally caused my body to begin to shut down.   The cancer closed in when I was diagnosed with a lump in my left breast.  A biopsy was ordered.  When the female oncologist, a woman I could see myself befriending in a different setting, sat me down 24 hours before I was to have the procedure, I knew I had to make a change.  I decided to end a marriage that was filled with hurt and pain, and quell the urge to "do" and just "be." I believe that quietly made decision saved my life.  The lump was benign. 

What I now know is that sitting on my meditation pillow is even more valuable than running 10 miles a day and eating a clean diet.  Sitting quietly on that tattered pillow gives me something I lacked my entire adult life, the freedom to live with ease.

Learn more about Dr. Robert J. Ackerman

Five Minutes of Practice Healed My Broken Heart

Five Minutes ...

It only took five minutes the first time I sat quietly, back straight, legs crossed on a black, velvet pillow that I placed on the floor.  I started with three deep, cleansing breaths.  I continued to focus on my breath as I was told.  I counted in and out, in and out until I got to twenty and then began again.  My life as I knew it had ended.  A nineteen year marriage had diminished into lawyers, insults, and fear.  I feared beginning life again after 40.  I feared not being able to take care of myself and my children.  I feared the anger, hurt, and betrayal that I felt would never fully heal.   

After five minutes on that first day, I was a little calmer.  After working my way up to ten, fifteen and then twenty minutes in the coming months, I felt a deeper sense of calm and was centered and grounded for the entire day.  A daily prayer was added along with yoga stretches, journaling and visioning.  After a year on my velvet pillow twice a day now, my fears dissolved and I was now dreaming again, joyous and filled with compassion for both myself and my former spouse.  My heart had healed. 

My daily practice has morphed into a lifestyle.  My twenty to forty minutes twice a day on a now tattered pillow is the soul food that sustains me.  I can't imagine beginning or ending my day in any other way.

New to meditation?:  Take the 21-Day Meditation Challenge sponsored by Oprah's Life Class and The Chopra Center Deepak Chopra 21-Day Meditation Challenge

What is your daily, spiritual  practice?  How has it affected your life?  Share your comments below.