Are you fully present for your life? That may be appear to
be a trick question because so many of us never consider what it means to show up
fully for ourselves. Many of us are living our lives on autopilot. One of my clients,
a successful sales executive and single mother of three children, let’s call
her Lisa, struggled to show up fully for herself. She wanted to go back to
school to complete her undergraduate degree, but found myriad reasons for not
following through with her dreams.
1. Call Forth Your Best
Self
We are multidimensional beings with the sum of our
experiences operating simultaneously inside of us. Do you choose with intention
which aspect of yourself will be the dominant voice in our life? Are you operating
from the hurt little eight-year-old self—the self that didn’t get Mommy’s love
or daddy’s approval? Lisa related to me that she did not have the time or money
to fulfill her dreams. When we explored possibilities, Lisa told me that all
three of her children were in an expensive private elementary school, which
kept her finances tight. She also disclosed that she relied solely on the
limited availability of her mother for childcare. When we explored other
options, Lisa resisted and finally said: “I don’t ever want my children to feel
the way I did growing up. I was never supported.” It didn’t occurred to Lisa
that she was continuing the pattern she learned from her parents by failing to
support herself.
A small part of Lisa did not feel she deserved to be
supported, while another part of her knew she would thrive in her chosen career
once she obtained an undergraduate degree. Our best self is the part of us that knows we are capable,
strong, all knowing, loveable, courageous, intelligent, deserving. It is simply
a choice whether we are self-directed by the most injured part of our being or
the most powerful part of our being.
2. Establishing a Practice
In order to think with intention, we have to develop
positive practices. A meditation practice can train the brain to quiet the
rambling, negative, monkey mind thoughts that keep us stuck. Lisa was plagued
with a loop of guilty thoughts when she didn’t give her children the childhood
that she really desired for herself. I suggested to Lisa that she could give
herself that wonderful, supportive childhood now by finding a way to finance
her dream of earning her degree. The practice of mindfulness, which is simply
being fully present in every moment, helped Lisa to connect to the ordinary
moments in her home with her children. Lisa discovered that her children were
happy, felt loved, and did not need the added luxury of a private, elementary
school education. Journaling helped Lisa to document the joy she received doing
simple activities with her children like riding bikes in the park, which helped
to dissolve her guilt about not being a good enough single mother.
3. Stop Living in the
“But”
Most of us have our eyes trained on the past. We are programmed
to accentuate our failures and wounds.
I really want love, but my last
lover betrayed me, or I really want
that job, but I don’t have the right
credentials. A psychologist friend of mine told me she is trained to hone in
on what comes after the but when her
clients speak to her because that’s where they are living. Are you living in
the but? Do you wish for a future of
your dreams by remaining tethered to a past that delivered disappointments? Lisa
discovered that she was living in the but
and wanted out. She is now enrolled in college, placed her children in public
school, and used the money she saved to hire a part-time nanny and fully
finance her education. Lisa is happy, even eager, to invest her money, time,
and best efforts in her most precious asset—herself.
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