3 Surefire Worry Busters

"All pain and pleasure is where you put your attention." ~ Deepak Chopra

Worry, at some point, has consumed us all. We worry about finances, children, partners, health, our careers and even our mortality. It may seem like an inherent human quality, but it is possible to end the seemingly incessant loop of worry. What I tell my clients, myself and my twelve year old son, who sings for a major city choir and is harder on himself than any music director could be, is that where we put our focus expands. If you want to expand that sick to your stomach feeling of worry, then keep focusing your attention on failure, problems, pain and lack. But how do we stop the worry when circumstances feel dire, chronic pain encroaches, or a concern about a loved one keeps us up at night?

1.  Focus.  Focus on what is good in your life. Keeping your mindset in a state of grace eliminates worry. Keep a gratitude journal or joy journal to track where your life is good. The energy of grace cannot coexist with worry. Focus on what you desire instead of the fear of it not manifesting. We are energy beings. Where we put our energy produces an equal energy. Think of it as Newton's first law of motion:  Every object in a state of uniform motion tends to remain in that state of motion unless an external force is applied to it. The external force is our ability to catch the negative thought of worry and put into motion the positive focus of our desire.

Maintaining and documenting what is positive puts me in mind of a story Deepak Chopra tells after spending 30 days in Thailand with an order of monks. Walking the cobblestone streets with bare feet to beg for food from the villagers, Chopra told his head monk that it hurt to walk with bare feet on the stone. The monk replied, put your attention on the foot that is up not the foot that is striking the ground.

 2.  Trust and Action. This could also be called faith. Like a farmer who plants his harvest in the early days of spring, we may not see the bounty our seeds of positive focus will produce. Once we set in motion our positive thoughts and action toward a desired goal, we must trust or have faith that the goal will manifest in the season of harvest. Twenty dollars a week toward our debt will eventually make us debt free, or a practice of exercise or a special diet will keep our chronic pain managed if we trust the process and have faith in our ability to effect change. The key is to take some kind, even a small gesture, of action. Our action plus faith equals change.

 3.  Patience and Nurturing. One of my favorite sayings is: A watched pot never boils. I have planted a garden for years. When I focus on nurturing the soil, pulling weeds and making sure my beloved tomatoes get the water they need, the growth process seems miraculous. When that tender, yellow flower turns into a small green bud of a tomato, it is an awe inspired experience. On the other hand, when I just sit there waiting and watching for the miracle, the wait feels insufferable. When I allow myself to fall in love with the process instead of pining for the outcome, a natural energy of order and patience arises. It is within that space of lovingly nurturing myself, my circumstances, my pains and my dreams that true miracles occur and worry simply falls away.

Lessons from our Inner Toddler

"I celebrate myself, and sing myself."~ Walt Whitman

The intuitive nature of self-love is apparent in the toddler. The love of all aspects of self from the fascination with their toes and fingers to the total embrace of emotions, the young child neither judges nor resists any aspect of his or her humanity. The toddler accepts her tears with the same abandon as her laughter. However, around the age of six or seven, the toddler child develops an awareness of outside, cultural expectations. The intuitive instinct to accept the self unabashedly is stifled by judgments both internal and external. The child now questions their internal voice and looks for validation from parents, friends, and community. The good news: we can reclaim our loving, knowing selves by reacquainting ourselves with the toddler within.

The toddler accepts his intuitive voice wholly and without question - As growing children, the need to, as psychologist and educator Robert Kegan writes, “look into the souls of our neighbors for verification,” begins the act of separating from our inner knowing. What was once innate and effortless becomes a struggle. As we learn to judge ourselves as culture, parents, peers dictate, thus begins an internal battle to bring together the instincts of Self and the learned values of the outside world. We even question our thoughts by polling others. Do you instinctively know the answer but must ask everyone around you how they would act to gain approval before allowing yourself to take action? Discover who you are by remembering who you were as boundless, all-knowing child.

The toddler experiences emotions without judgment  - As toddlers we laughed with abandon and let that laughter shift into tears only to shift again into curiosity. We accepted our full range of emotions without feeling weighted or defined. As adults we question and feel trapped by our emotions. We no longer accept our tears. How many of us apologize for crying, stifle laughter when it is deemed inappropriate, or even quell our joy fearing that our jubilant show will somehow be compromised if we put it on display. We hold joy as precarious by questioning how long it will last, and we may even feel we can jinx ourselves by enjoying life a little too much. Our emotions inform us and guide us. If we resist our emotions, we deny a part of our humanity.

How do we get back the self-love we had as toddlers? Fully accepting all aspects of our humanity, like the toddler standing in proud awe of her poop, is the key. The practice of acceptance is not an easy one. We will have to learn how to love our thighs, our bank accounts, our failed relationships as much as the toddler within us loved her fingers and toes.

3 Ways to Use Emotions to Find Joy

"One is certain of nothing but the truth of one's own emotions." E.M. Forster



Emotions are an incredibly forceful part of our lives and for some the driving force of our actions. Psychologist have contrasting views about the purpose of emotions. However, the work of Robert Plutchik, the evolutionary psychologist, posited that there are eight basic or primary emotions. Plutchik's eight core emotions are: Joy, Trust, Fear, Surprise, Sadness, Anticipation, Anger, and Disgust. Each primary emotion has a polar opposite, for 
 example: 

• Joy is the opposite of Sadness
• Fear is the opposite of Anger
• Anticipation is the opposite of Surprise
• Disgust is the opposite of Trust

1.  Understanding what our emotions are teaching us

If we find ourselves stuck in an emotion like anger, sadness, fear, envy, it may be an indication of a desired elevation of that emotion. Our sadness may be crying out for joy, our anger an expression of fear that yearns for trust, and our envy an expression of desire. 

2.  Examine our patterns belief

Why we get stuck in these basic emotions may be due to our patterns of belief. Our culture, religion, parental strictures, and other influences may have formed our current beliefs. If our religion tells us that desire is a sin, we stuff desire and remain in a state of anger or envy. If we were told that nothing ever works out in life, we stay stuck in sadness or disgust when all we want is to trust that we can experience joy.

3.  Joy is in the process not the outcome

Understanding our emotions can bring us to joy, which can only be experienced in the present moment. Eckhart Tolle, in his book The Power of Now writes, “Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have. Make the NOW the primary focus of your life.” This is contrary to the way most of us operate. We keep ourselves an arm's length away from joy by staying stuck in our primal emotions. We fool ourselves into thinking that joy is just around the corner when it is right in front of us. Keeping our gaze on our expectations (what's around the corner) will keep us in a state of suffering. We suffer through the job to get the money that is sure to bring us joy, right? Joy is in each step of the dance of life. When we can fully engage, releasing past belief patterns and future anticipation and elevate our emotional landscape, we can flow and dip in the moment, fully present, moving with joy and ease to the music of life.

3 Myths About Success

Circa 1950s

"Fame doesn't fulfill you. It warms you a bit, but that warmth is temporary." 

~ Marilyn Monroe

With the death of Philip Seymour Hoffman, many are scratching their heads with this question on their minds: How could someone so successful be so unhappy. In our western culture, we put a premium on career success, material acquisitions, and fame. If others know us and admire us we must know and admire ourselves, right?

Mistaking outer fame for inner joy

I, too, wanted to bask in the light of fame. I knew from the age of five that acting was my path. Nothing in my life felt so right, natural, and soothing to my soul. I gave myself permission to pursue acting exclusively at age 19 and dropped out of college and enrolled in an acting program. It was a magical time in my life. The magic began to fade when I stepped from the love of creating to focusing on career success. All of sudden my gaze was on getting the part, aligning with the right people, and maintaining a certain weight all in an effort to feel a sense of self-worth. My desire for fame was a desire to have others validate me. I had mistakenly thought that reaching that pinnacle of outer success would provide inner joy.

Success does not exist outside of us

When others determine our worth, we can become addicted to a praise that never fully satisfies. We overreach at our jobs, give up our desires and needs in the home to win the praise of the family when all we are really longing for is self-acceptance and self-love. Doing whatever it takes to receive outside praise is exhausting and not fulfilling in the long-run. The process of experiencing inner praise can only come when we fully accept and celebrate ourselves, forgive ourselves for our perceived mistakes, and truthfully own and express our needs. When we can say I love who I am we will love what we do.

Success is not static

When we take control of growing spiritually and emotionally, our definition of success changes and will continue to change as we continue to grow. Success is an internal journey that brings us back to our divine self. Living out our divine purpose is an endless path of discovery, which may or may not look like our childhood dreams, but will warm the soul indefinitely.

One Woman One Voice Project

I am so grateful for this forum and community of wonderful people dedicated to personal growth. I am pleased to announce One Woman One Voice Project, an online community for women and men to connect, heal and thrive through storytelling, wisdom sharing, and lots of laughter. Join our community! See our February Newsletter.

While OWOVP is a space for women we, we fully support the personal growth and healing of men and are working to incorporate more male voices into our community.  Please see our recommendations for men.


Peace & Love,
Stephanie

3 Ways to STOP Self-Sabotage

Artwork by Bazgrole

"Holding yourself back is an unnatural way of being. . . . It all comes down to belief and habit." ~Dr. Wayne Dyer

Are you holding yourself back? Do you get close to your goal only to abandon it? Do you let other people and your perceived negative traits (your weight, status, lack of money, or education) dictate whether or not you will be successful? Many times we self-sabotage because we believe we are unable to control our racing negative thoughts, and even worse our negative actions. When we are in self-sabotage mode, our thoughts fall into 3 distinct categories: 1. It’s not fair; 2. It’s all his/her fault; 3. I’m doomed and don’t know how to change. The subconscious mind works hard to prove us right. When we focus on our pain, our faults, and the unfairness of the world we, on a subconscious level, remain stuck in the emotion of helplessness.

   1.   Make Friends with Our Pain

In order to make friends with our pain, we must look at what’s underneath. How are your pain and perceived inadequacies serving you? Perhaps the tenets of why we show the world just how wounded we are is subconsciously steeped in our fear of not being enough. Perhaps we feel unworthy of a good relationship and thus recreate the qualities of old hurtful relationship in each new one. Making friends with our negative thoughts is the first step toward letting go. Embracing how our pain serves us will teach us how to grow beyond our pain and eventually to release it fully.

    2.   Changing Our Inner Dialogue through Focus

Many people think stopping negative internal dialogue is difficult and that the mind is an entity outside of our control. The contrary is true. With practice, we can quiet our brains to get into what Judson Brewer, MD, PhD, Director of Yale Therapeutic Neuroscience Clinic calls flow. In flow, we are living in the moment, which is also called mindfulness. In this state, we trust that we are capable by putting all of our attention on the task at hand. We can also observe, without judgment, our internal dialogue. When we catch ourselves in a negative thought pattern, we can form a visual (a Stop Sign is a good one, or a floating cloud) to counter that thought. Where we put our focus structures our reality.

    3.  Taking Responsibility

Releasing blame can give us the gift of knowing ourselves. We cannot take responsibility until we fully know who we are. But bear in mind that taking responsibility is a practice like any other. Would we expect to magically shed 20 pounds just because we now recognize it is a good thing? No. We develop a daily practice of eating healthy foods and exercising. Taking responsibility requires the same level of practice. Catch yourself when you engage in practices that do not serve you. If there is resistance to a daily practice, ask yourself again how it serves you to stay in the emotion of blame. I discovered I was stuck in the emotion of blaming my ex-husband because of a fear of moving forward on my own. When I understood it was my own fear, each time a negative thought came up I envisioned it floating away on a cloud and got right back to what I was doing. 

Have compassion for yourself as you grow and change. Understand that moving forward can only happen when you see yourself fully and without judgment. Carlos Castaneda said, "A man of knowledge lives by acting not by thinking of acting." Become an active participant in your own success. Journal, meditate, take a class, join a supportive group, practice mindfulness, and most importantly, lovingly be aware of how you see yourself. When you view yourself as capable, intelligent, and worthy others will see you that way, too.

Mirror, Mirror … Understanding Why We Picked Our Partner

“We all attract certain people into our lives who have developed qualities opposite to the ones we are most identified with. In other words, they mirror our disowned selves, and we mirror theirs.”—Shakti Gawain

This is a subject of keen interest to me as a coach and for my own personal growth. For some time, I could not understand how I chose a life partner that turned out to be so unlike me and so contrary to my core values. How could he have changed so radically? We were so in love and in sync. When I took a deeper look, I found that the attraction to the qualities in my partner and his in mine were an attempt for us both to become whole.

The understanding that we are looking at our mirror image in the partners we choose will help us to better understand ourselves. We possess, but often stifle, what we term negative qualities in our partner. Perhaps our partner is angry, lazy, or judges and blames—the harsher our reaction the stronger the denial of that quality in ourselves.

Learning to Reinterpret Denied “Shadow” Characteristics

‘‘The shadow,’’ wrote celebrated psychoanalyst Carl Gustav Jung (1963), is ‘‘that hidden, repressed, for the most part inferior and guilt-laden personality.’’ Jung also wrote, “Everything that irritates us about others can lead to an understanding of ourselves.” We all carry our shadow parts whether we are aware of it nor not. We attract characteristics in others that we suppress. Attracting an angry partner, as I did, was a quality I suppressed in myself. 

It all goes back to childhood when our very survival depended on our parents. As children, we learn to please our parents to survive. It was not safe to show anger in my home with an alcoholic father. I muzzled my anger to such a great extent that I lost my own sense of self. The degree to which I concealed that quality was the degree to which I experienced anger with my partner, which was extreme. I needed to be more forceful in my life by stating my needs and my partner’s anger was teaching me how to find my own voice. When I could speak my truth, no longer was I attracted to that degree of anger and could move on to a healthier relationship.

On the other hand, perhaps we have a partner whom we overly lavish with praise because of their career success or creative gifts. This, too, can inform us of our need to foster those qualities in ourselves and can be a signal of a sense of unworthiness.

 

Taking Responsibility

Our judgments are our internal sensors telling us where we are out of balance. Becoming aware of our denied “shadow” qualities will help us to find balance within ourselves and in our relationships. We may still not like a quality, but we will be less reactive. If the behavior is extreme, we may choose to move on to another relationship. When we can accept ourselves for who we are and learn to understand the signals our emotions are giving us, we give our partners permission to do the same.