3 Easy Steps to Magically Turn Struggle Into Joy

"What happens in our life is either a lesson or a blessing."

-Michael Bernard Beckwith

A shift in perception can change our feelings of being in a struggle to being blessed with something wonderful. As women, we put our attention on everything but ourselves-our work, our children, our husband or partner.  Dr. Christiane Northrup, author of Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom calls it our "egg wisdom." It is our biological makeup, as Northrup explains, to make everything around us better. We "egg on" our men, our children, our co-workers. At some point we burn out feeling stripped and stressed, and as a result struggle. 

First Step Toward Joy - Understanding Benjamin Franklin famously said, “Tell me and I forget, teach me and I may remember, involve me and I learn.” We are intimately involved when our learning is tethered to struggle. It is important to understand that our struggles are lessons and bring us to a beautiful place of knowledge if we are open to learning. The story of the butterfly and the cocoon, attributed to Henry Miller, is the tale that helps me to understand the importance of struggle in my life:

 A boy is given a cocoon and brings it inside his home for safe keeping. When he sees the butterfly trying to emerge from the cocoon, at first he is thrilled. It is not long before his excitement turns to concern when the butterfly does not emerge after days of trying. The boy, in an act of compassion, clips the cocoon with a pair of scissors to set the butterfly free. What he finds is a butterfly that is deformed with swollen wings. The boy's act of compassion was to the detriment of the butterfly. It never soared. It could never be set free. Instead the butterfly suffered a grounded life with swollen wings that could never fully develop.  

 

Second Step - Redefine Struggle - I think of this story when I am in a difficult situation. I can shift that feeling of struggle to a feeling of joy, yes, joy with this simple question: What am I learning during this time? How will this situation help me to soar even higher in my life? I am actually giddy with the knowledge that I am being stretched and evolving, and it absolutely feels magical. It is the struggle to get out of the cocoon that gives the butterfly's wings enough blood to fully develop. We need our struggles to develop our wings.

Third Step - Practice Self-Care

In addition to understanding and shifting our thoughts by reminding ourselves that our wings are just getting stronger during a time of trial, we can "egg" ourselves on by practicing self-care. We can forgive ourselves when we make a mistake, and we can treat ourselves to simple pleasures like a ten dollar bouquet of flowers or scented salt bath. When we are struggling to feel good, that is the most important time to put ourselves on the largest rung of our inner-life tree.

Thank You, Madiba, for the Gift of Your Life

"The South African Truth and Reconciliation Commission (TRC) was set up by the Government of National Unity to help deal with what happened under apartheid. The conflict during this period resulted in violence and human rights abuses from all sides. No section of society escaped these abuses."―The official Truth and Reconciliation Commission Website

Thinking of Nelson Mandela today as his soul departed his body, reminded me of the wonderful lessons I have learned in my life. Most of those lessons came through what I may have at one time called hardships. When my grown children were small, they were given a baseball card picture of Madiba by their father who had visited and briefly met the aging leader. The picture was proudly displayed in their bathroom for many years until it frayed and finally disappeared. I smile when I think of that picture. I smile when I think of all of the wonderful lessons that came from that time in my life, and I smile when I think of the gift Nelson Mandela has given us all by teaching us the power of forgiveness by his grand gesture as South Africa's first African leader.

The Truth and Reconciliation Committee, erected by Nelson Mandela after apartheid was abolished, was an act of faith. The 39 page charter titled Promotion of National Unity and Reconciliation Act 34 of 1995 could only exist within the divine gaze of a man who transcended the hardship of Robben's Island by understanding that when one suffers, all suffer, and when one of our brothers or sisters in our community is wounded, we collectively need healing. Madiba healed his community by encouraging victims to voice their experiences through 19 internationally held public hearings, and to grant their abusers amnesty. The magic of giving voice through story coupled with forgiveness mended a wounded South Africa.

My understanding that nothing happens to me, but it happens for me is steeped in Madiba's grace of healing through forgiveness. The specter of the divine was at his right hand when he stepped into the position of leading a fractured South Africa. Madiba instinctively understood what I struggled to understand―that we act in harmful ways when we are wounded and that only love and understanding can bring about healing. 

Madiba's grace and smile remind me that every situation in my past, present and future is of my own creation. My ability to create love and harmony is tethered to the love and harmony Madiba cultivated in his country. When a spirit departs this earth, the gift of that life is infused in all who knew that person. We knew Nelson Mandela through his deeds, words, spirit, and smile. We all have been touched by the mighty Madiba's gentle hand. Let his passing this realm into the next embolden us, enrich us, and instruct us as he instructed a nation with one simple goal―unity―accomplished with one simple gesture―forgiveness.

How to Change Negative Beliefs in 30 Days

Photo by Dusty

"Whether you think you can or can’t either way you are right." ―Henry Ford

Two years ago, I agreed to help a neighbor who recruits teachers for the adult continuing education community school in my area. One of her instructors was not able to teach her class and she asked me if I could teach a course titled: "Blogging―Writing Effective Content." I told her I would help, and then panicked. While I have been teaching writing courses for nearly a decade, I failed to focus on that fact. I focused instead on the aspect that I was not well acquainted with―Blogging. At the time I was new to blogging with only a few blogs under my writer's belt.

All of my insecurities rose to the surface the weekend before the course was to begin. I told myself that I was not qualified to teach this course. I told myself I was unworthy. A sense of unworthiness is a belief pattern that I had carried since I was child. I was not worthy of my father's love. I was not worthy of my mother's attention, and I certainly was not worthy of a partner who honored me as mother, wife and equal. 

Discovering our belief patterns is the first step toward changing those patterns. Once I understood that I carried that belief, I began to change it by developing new thought patterns. Psychologist Dr. Athena Staik tells us that:

"When you seek to replace a behavior, such as a toxic thinking pattern, your actions produce neurochemical and molecular changes in cells known as neurons."

Science is on our side when it comes to changing belief patterns with new discoveries of our brain's neuroplasticity―the brain's ability to change and adapt. Hospitals like St. Jude are now using this science in Twelve Step programs. So truly, as a man (or woman) thinketh ....  What is key, however, is to gain awareness of how we think and what we believe. A woman in my writing to heal workshop pronounced her inability to find success because she didn't have an education, or a fat bank account. A friend touted at a luncheon that all uber-wealthy people are unethical. What are your limiting beliefs? Let's change our negative and limiting belief patterns to positive signals in our brains. 

Be advised that acknowledging where we are requires honesty and a desire to change. Clinging to comfortable beliefs, even though they do not serve us positively, is the most common reason we fail to move forward. Change requires both facing our true selves and our fears. 

30 days toward creating positive belief patterns:  In the morning when you wake, and in the evening before you go to bed, say into the mirror:

Today, I release [want to release]* the need to view myself as [  negative belief  ]

[say your name], you are capable [want to be capable] of realizing your

 dreams just as you are!

*If you feel uncomfortable saying "I release," say instead, "I want to release."

Taking Back Your Power in Just 15 Seconds Twice a Day

Quieting the "What if..." in our lives simply requires creating our own identity and boldly stepping onto our own path. We learn our belief patterns by well meaning parents, teachers, community members, and clergy. The hard truth that I had a part in the way my ex-husband treated me was difficult to accept. I tacitly gave him permission to speak to me in a way that did not honor me because I felt comfortable with that way of speaking. As I child, I heard ugly language when my parents fought.  Sometimes that ugly language was directed toward me.  I loved my parents so my little girl mind made that ugly language acceptable. 

Defining who we are for ourselves can be frightening, but it is a powerful way to live our lives. Sometimes we become comfortable with the definitions others place upon us or the beliefs we adapt in childhood to keep ourselves safe.  But when the actions of another person paralyzes us, we have given away our power and must make changes to get it back. We can gain our power back by defining for ourselves who we are and what we believe. 

Changing our state of mind can be accomplished by reminding ourselves where we are whole, where we are wonderful, and the value and joy of our dreams. Once we believe we are no longer in danger, we are not. Once we believe we are capable of supporting ourselves, we do. Once we believe we are loveable and able to attract a loving, caring partner, one arrives. 

Feeling secure is interior work, not something we put on or buy like a pretty dress or a car alarm.  Once we achieve a state of security within, the "what ifs" simply fade into oblivion never to affect us again.  

15 Seconds Twice a Day for 30 days Toward Defining the Real You:  In the morning when you wake, and in the evening before you go to bed, look yourself square in the eye in the mirror and say:

Today, I release all fear

You,  [say your name], are a loving person 

capable of achieving anything you desire

No longer will I let others define me

I take back my power by defining who I am

I am [Fill in the Blank]